Today I listened to a podcast, a sermon by the Village Church (Pastor Matt Chandler). It was exactly what my soul needed to hear in order to stop dwelling on our circumstances and to instead dwell on the goodness of the Lord.
The other night Ben and I both confessed to each other that we feel like we are never going to get our baby, that months may actually turn into years. This feeling came piling on top of the feeling that our child is alive and that her life right now may be one of trauma, abandonment, hunger, and deprivation of affection - even mere human touch. I said I could never do this. I said I didn't think I could bear the pain of not being able to offer my child what he or she desperately needs - just to develop! - as an infant and baby, to try and imagine my child without our love and protection.
It amazes me how God has brought us to this point, increasing our desire, our fight, our passion, and also our understanding of how He will help us. That yes, I can do this. It's not that I didn't want to, it's that I didn't know if my heart could handle it, handle knowing what my child had to endure. But then I am reminded that really, they are all His children, even my biological babies, and He is at work in the mess. And I know that this child is SO worth me giving up the walls that I think would protect my heart against the anguish.
For the past 7 months we have been working hard to fill out documents, and mail them in promptly, to schedule appointments quickly, to expedite the mailing of paperwork, all so that we could move on to the next phase....waiting for a referral (which means finding out the child that you have been matched up with).
But lately, as I have said, we feel (just a feeling...nothing is certain!) like it is going to take a while. In case you haven't heard, we are in a Pilot Program. This means adopting from Tanzania is pretty new. Agencies need to figure out exactly what Tanzania authorities are looking for in our paperwork, and also make sure that everything stays legal and that the children being adopted are actually truly orphaned.
Our agency is awesome, they are very cautious, and want to make sure that other agencies are having success before they send us in. Some of the first families are going next month to bring their child home - so pray that is is possible! They were supposed to go this month, but apparently Tanzania only gives a set number of travel visas, and this month was full. (Another factor we didn't know about!).
All this to say, we could use your prayers...that orphaned children would either have a wonderful orphanage to be taken care in, or be adopted into loving, permanent families.
"And still He seeks the fellowship of His people and will send them both
joy and sorrow to detach their hands from the things of this world
and to attach those hands to Himself." - JJ Packer
I really like when there is something to do other than just having to wait. Waiting for documents. Waiting for news of how the program is going in Tanzania. I like being able to feel like I have control. God has brought us to a point where we just wait. Where we realize that we need to let go of control, detach from feeling like we can help move the process along faster, and instead hold on to Him and the promise that He is at work in the mess.
"For I the Lord do not change" Malachi 3:6
We have always felt that the cost of adoption would not deter us. That everything we have belongs to God, and He is a GOOD God. But I would by lying if I said that it wasn't painful. I knew it would cost a lot, but wasn't quite thinking $50,000. Plus, we went from having no money after our time with YWAM, to having a paycheck, pay raises, and even a couple of bonus' when the oil was booming! We were feeling pretty good! Then the industry came to a grinding halt. Instead of bonus', everyone is surrounded by layoffs and pay-decreases. Honestly, we are still so thankful for what we have. But it kind of makes the cost of adoption, the never ending writing of cheques, a little painful.
"For He is like a refiners fire...He will refine them like gold and silver" - Malachi 3:2-3
But today, I am thankful. Thankful that God has brought perspective back into my life, thankful that He loves us so much that He would detach our hands from the things of this world so that we wouldn't start placing our trust - or worship - in them. Thankful that my eyes are on a God who loves us, who is at work in this mess, who will refine us like gold and silver by putting us through the fire and then slowly get rid of the impurities in our life, in our character, and in our view of who we think God is and what His character is truly like. He doesn't test us for His sake, but for ours. We need to know where we stand, what we believe about His character. Am I really living like I believe that God's word is flawless? ("Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him" Proverbs 30:5....I love that Aubrey's weekly memory versus always convict and challenge me!). Do I believe that God is good and in control? Do I trust Him? Have I put my trust completely in Him or in what I can control myself? Am I willing to give Him everything, even when it hurts?
"And therefore put Me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open
the windows of Heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until
there is no more need." Malachi 3:10
God is love. And God is good. He is willing and able to do more that we could ever ask or imagine.
A few conversations I will share with you :
Brodie : "Mommy, does Santa have a penis?"
Me: uhhhh, yes buddy, he does. I think. (just kidding I didn't say that part!).
Aubrey: I don't think it was the real Santa.
Me: Well his beard sure looked real to me!
Aubrey: Yes but guess what I saw! I noticed that it had some grey in it.
Sometimes you just need a family movie date.
